Tuesday, November 07, 2006

So not happy in my head...

I really just want to scream... a long deep primal scream like the ones Mr. Farrell wanted us to do at home after he had us read Primal Scream in my high school Art Major class. I need a way to release everything in my head and the things that seem to be weighing me down. It has been bringing me down the last 2 weeks.

My routine is back in place... exercise, protein, water, vitamins, time with friends, etc. However, I have not been getting enough sleep. I am sure it is because my head is not calm. I can't seem to figure out where I fit in. Things are weird at home. Obviously it is not just weird for me to be 26 and back living with my parents after being on my own in NYC, but it is weird for them too. For now, I need to be there. We have talked & I think they get it. We are all working on stuff. I have also told them I am not 12 year old Marla anymore & things are different. I have to take care of me first & they understand. So time will tell!

I am having trouble figuring out where I fit in. I don't feel or look MO or even really obese anymore... but according to the numbers I am still obese. My body is not the body of someone who weighs 241lbs. I know this is because of exercise...but, it isn't making it easier for me to figure out where I fit in. I am far from thin, however... It confuses me very much. Yes, I am heavy... however!

I think I have had it with dating in general. This is not what I signed up for. I am done. I just want to live my life and enjoy it. Most of my friends that are my age are in serious long term relationships. Some are engaged & a few are married & then a couple of the married ones have kids. I am very jealous. I know I am not ready for this today, but I find myself wondering when & if it will happen for me. Would I be married or engaged right now if I had just dealt with my arm stuff as it was happening and thus not created the habit of food instead of emotion. I will never know & I try not to wonder. But sometimes it makes me very sad. I know I am only 26... but I feel like I missed out on so much & feel like I will never catch up. I often times feel like is this it? Is this why I was sliced, diced, stapled and rerouted? It was almost easier being MO. I would never go back to that, however there is something to be said for the wall of fat & the invisibility. Now, I am visible but still sometimes feel like I am just watching.

Some of my friends/ married or not also have the feelings of is this it...although the reasons are different the feelings are still the same. Which is nice knowing that my friends and I can relate to each other, and that I am not the only one feeling the way I do. I am trying to follow my heart but lead with my head. I am tired of being torn between the two... I feel this way, but know this. I can't do that anymore... it is too draining. I am my own worst enemy and I did such a good of it. But, I am not like that anymore & I am trying to clean up the broken pieces.

This roller coaster ride often makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I have no desire to get off the ride... but wow I wasn't expecting all of this! All of my emotions are now all jumbled together... and I am sifting through them. I want to experience them & deal with them. But, just wow! I just sometimes feel so helpless, alone & like such a big fat loser. I want the little rain cloud to go away again.

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