F ' ing Pissed

So I went to the hospital today for all my pre-admission pre-op testing. So much to do. There was a refresher with the nurese practioner and the nutrtionist. In addition, there was weigh-in, bloodwork, anesthia talk, meet with a nurse, ekg and a chest xray. Oh, yeah we had a to tke a test. I scored a 95 out of 100. KICKASS!!

However, did I loose 20 lbs. Nope!!! I stayed the same. I have stayed the same for 2 months. Don't get me wrong, this is good. This is far better then gaining. But, now I don't know if they will postpone my surgery. I started crying when I saw the scale. I spoke to the nutrtionist. She is going to talk to my surgeon. Gawd, what am I gonna do. I can't loose 20 lbs in 13 days. I feel completely f 'cked. I feel like crying again. Please keep youir fingers crossed for me!! i want this more than anything. I just hope it works out. I have worked to hard for this. I am not giving up!!!

The good news, I don't feel like eating. That is a total positive. 6 months ago, I would've eaten over this. But, I have come to far to revert to old behavior.

My Theme Song

Everyone needs a theme song. This is mine.

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone
But it's time you started living
It's time you let someone else do some giving

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after al

Artist: ("Love is All Around" by Paul Williams) Lyrics
Song: Mary Tyler Moore Show Lyrics

Emotional Basketcase

So I have completely lost it. Those of you that know me are questioning if I had to begin with. However, I really lost it now. I have become an emotional wreck. I am totally excited about my upcoming surgery. But, in addition to being excited I am also experiencing every possible emotion.

I am scared, nervous, sad, excited, happy, optimistic, etc. I know I will be fine. I have had surgery before, so that doesn’t scare me. I have been through chemo & radiation. I feel that there is nothing worse than chemo. (That is my personal motto.) I was so sick. Toxins were being pumped into my body. Gastric Bypass is a personal choice. It was not forced upon me in any
way. Therefore, it is already set up to be more positive than chemo.

I am scared because I have been heavy for so long, will I be able to be thinner marla? How does one be a thin person? Will I still be me? I guess I will learn as time goes by. It just seems alittle scary. But, I know I will be successful. I have always loved a good challenge. And, I am always successful with challenging things. It just feels so overwhelming. Time to go make Crystal Light Lemonade. Life is better when drinking lemonade.

Quotes that get me through:

“nothing is worse than chemo.” Personal motto

“… forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road no other way no day but today.” –Cast of Rent

“…and nobody in all of oz, no wizard that there is or was is ever gonna bring me down.”
Idina Menzel as Elphaba in Wicked

Survived Thanksgiving

I survived Thanksgiving. I tried to plan my portions in advance and tried to pretend I had already had my surgery. I did much better then Thanksgivings of the past. I feel better prepared for next year.

I had my mom make Kaye’s recipe for pumpkin & apple soup. My mom & I love pumpkin. So we have had pumpkin soup numerous times before. This was a great variation / addition to our Thanksgiving. Also, my mom makes a killer pumpin butterscotch cake. Well, this year I had her make it with splenda. Not perfect, but a step in the right direction. Next, year I will do Kaye’s pumpkin pie.

Oh, I didn’t eat all the stuffing this year. I am a sucker for my mom’s stuffing. She does whole wheat bread & mushrooms. But, I was careful this year. Which feels quite great.

I have all my pre-op stuff @ the hospital on Tuesday. I am starting to get nervous. Almost @ the 2 week point. Oy Vey!!! I think am only nervous about losing the 20 lbs. I feel it looming over my head. I do my best, but is that every really good enough? Sometimes yes, gawd I want this so bad. I don’t want the staff to tell me, “Oh sorry you didn’t loose the 20lbs, We are gonna have to reschedule you surgery.” I would die. That would be the worst. I want this more then anything. I am so close, I can smell it. I enjoy that expression. Gawd, just let this happen for me!

Things I can't wait to do post surgery

Go up a flight of stairs without getting out of breathe

Fit into 1 seat on the bus, train, subway, airplane

Not need a seat belt extender in an airplane

Ride comfortably and safely in a back seat of car

Ride my bike

Learn to surf & water ski

Be able to sit in a plastic chair

Easily get up from a couch or chair

Fit in a bathtub

Fit in a regular toilet stall

Stop snoring

Sit on the ground and get up easily and without issue

Looking Back On The Last 6 Months

I am now officially 3 weeks away from my surgery date. Idecided to use this post to look back and reflect on some things from the last 6 months.

As much as I want gastric bypass, it didn't seem like I would ever get to this point. I have a surgery date that is fast approaching. My insurance company approved my having the surgery. The only thing looming over my head is loosing the damn 20lbs. that my surgeon told me to loose. At least the protein powders I am using for my pre-surgery diet are good.

Anyways, so back to reflecting. So many interesting things have happened during this journey. For example, a very entertaing nurse practitioner (see post 8.20.05) Don't get me wrong, she is very nice and a wonderful person. She takes her job very seriously. But, that day was one for the books.

Then there was the day I had to have my exercise stress test. OHMYGAWD did this suck. I totally though I was going to die. Sidenote: I went through chemo and radiation when I was 9. Because, of this my personal motto is: NOTHING IS WORSE THEN CHEMO. I have been proved wrong. My medicine induced exercise stress test was sooooo much worse.

As a girl well over 350lbs, I obvioulsy have major problems walking. So, when I went for the test I was given the choice of going on treadmil or have my heart rate induced with medicine while laying in a bed. I am sorry, but that was this fat girl's dream. Of course I chose to lay in the bed. BIG MISTAKE. Never take medicine to induce a natural state. OHMYGAWD. IT WAS BLOODY HORRIBLE. I even threw up. Oh yes, not pretty. But, all that is behind me.

The support group I go to is semi irritating because only 1-2 peolpe out of the 30 that go regularly have actually had WLS. All the others are either people waiting for their surgery date. Or the are just looking into having the surgery. Believe I think Attending a meeting while going through all the tests is very important. But, come on pre-ops want to talk to post-ops. I though this was common sense folks.

SHAMELESS PLUG FOR PROTEIN POWDER

UNJURY protein powder in AMAZING. It can be ordered from the company website. The chocolate is amazing. Put in the blender with milk and Ice! Also, they make a strawberry powder that is specifically for use with water. Mix it with Lemonade Crystal Light. Soooo fabulous!

UNJURY Protein

Nectar is also good. The whole line is fruity flavors that are to be mixed with water. Dissolves very well. I recommed the Fuzzy Navel Flavor. For the adventurous, try mixing it in Raspberry Ice Crystal Ice. YUMMILICIOUS! You can order this line from The Vitamin Shoppe.

The Vitamin Shoppe

Time to do my 3 weeks till surgery happy dance.

8.20.05

This is my first and only page in the journal I started when I decided to start looking into gastric bypass surgery.

So on Aug. 11, I had my “consult” with the surgeon. Well, I actually met with the nurse practioner. So, I found out I have to go for a bunch of tests. But, that is fine. I need to have an abdominal ultrasound, exercise stress test, blood work, nutritional consult, have a psych evaluation, attend 2 support group meetings, and attend an orientation session. The good news is that my therapist is going to do my psych evaluation. Yippee!! Anyways, I have to have all the above done before I meet with the surgeon Sept. 21. Wow. The orientation is Sept. 7. Hopefully, I will have my stress test and ultrasound that day too. Also, I will do my blood work that day too.

I have begun my journey. It is alittle hard to believe. I have appointments. This is really happening.

The Background Info

I wouldn't say I was always morbidly obese. I was a chubby kid. At approximately age 12 I was 140 lbs. I think I was approximately 50 lbs overweight. Thus began my debcle with weight.

I did Weight Watchers. And let me tell you it was not the point system that it is today. It was quite different. I went to weight loss camp for 6 years. Camp Kingsmont was actually a great place. However, they allowed skinny kids to go there to and they were vicious and made fun of the heavier kids. Which is quite ironic as it was WEIGHT LOSS CAMP!! Oh well, I was deffintely the Fat Camp Champ. Camp Kingsmont is now located at Hampshire College. (When I was a camper it was in West Stockbridge, MA on 220 acres of land with cabins.)

My last summer st Kingsmont was 1996. I was 16 that September was going to be a junior in high school. High scool it hard enough reagrdless of your size. But, I have fond memories of high school. I went to both my proms, was active in some clubs, and had/ have a kick ass group of friends. The latter of which I feel is the most important. And, I am quite fortunate that I am still friends with most of these amazing people.

Went off to college in the fall of 1998 and actually started to loose a bit of weight. I did wind up having breast reduction, because I couldn't deal with the size of my chest anymore, I was 300 lbs and a 44 G. Not fun, trust me. Transferred schools for fall of 2000. I must say that between the 2 colleges I attended, I blossomed. College was good for me. And, I did well.


I graduated with my BFA in visual arts, got a job in NYC, was laid off due to lack of work, and now I am eagerly awaiting my gastric bypass surgey and the start of the next phase of my life.

Camp Kingsmont

Rambling...

So I am slightly past the one month point for my upcoming surgery date. On December 12, 2005 I will be undergoing gastric bypass. I am eagerly awaiting this huge (no pun intedend) milestone. I truly can not wait. At 387 lbs, who wouldn't be excited. My life is going to change for the better.

I go for all the pre-op stuff in a little over a week. I started this journey in May 2005. Knowing that I had a fairly long road ahead of me. But now that I am a little over 3 weeks away it just seems unfathomable. How did I get to this point so fast. It just hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. I feel like an emottional wreck, but I think that is pretty normal. And in hindsight, I kind of always was. So this really is nothing new.

Say tuned for the next post where I give you the background info you need on this soon to be former fat girl.